Failing is never easy

Reflection is not something I am good at. I think it’s because I tend to be quite hard on myself. Looking back at how certain things made me feel, I can see that I really need to cut myself some slack. I recently wrote exams and got distinctions for all my subjects. I was very chuffed with the marks, but instead of just being happy about the wonderful – and I won’t lie – surprising marks, I also berated myself for not doing better in my previous exams.

It’s the same with my failed marriage. No one likes to fail at anything. No matter how much they protest and say it it doesn’t matter, it does. It does matter and it does hurt. Whether we are willing to admit it or not is beside the point. I beat myself up for the longest time about not trying harder to salvage my marriage. Did I do enough? Were my expectations too high or unrealistic? Did I give him enough time to prove that he wanted “us”? And to this day it bothers me that my ex-husband is angry with me when he did nothing to try and help me to fix things. It’s a bit odd, he goes from being friendly and inviting me in for a drink and a chat, to being so venomous and “f*ck you” that I am left speechless. Granted, I wasn’t as open about my reasons for leaving as I probably should have been. But, I didn’t want to tear him down as a man/husband on top of the hurt of leaving him. In hindsight, I should have thrown his shortcomings in his face – it’s become apparent over time that it’s what I should have done (and then at least he’d have legit reason to be angry). But that’s not who I am. And I saw no reason for things to get ugly or to escalate.

I did my best to fix what needed fixing, but it’s pretty hard when it feels like you’re the only one making the effort. It leads to resentment, putting the last proverbial nail in the coffin. Anyone who has been in a similar situation knows that once you reach a certain point in a troubled relationship/friendship/marriage, it’s done. Whether the break-up is amicable, one-sided or just short of a fistfight, it hurts and it is disappointing.

I dreamt about my ex-husband last night. Well, about him and his wife to be exact. (I almost wrote ‘new’ wife but that would imply that I’m the ‘old’ wife … And that simply won’t do – Ha! I still have my humour through all the BS of ending my marriage.) In my dream, I bumped into them at a restaurant and the interaction was less than pleasant from their side, and placating from my side. I recall the dream quite vividly and I’m not quite sure why their reaction in the dream annoys me so much. Truth be told, it would likely be the same in reality – judging by my recent interaction with them. I had to sort out some paperwork with my ex about 7 months ago. And his wife got in the middle of things and started to refer to him as “my husband.” I mean, he is not a possession. The man has a name – I know it, you know it, so use it. But enough about that.

They say you dream about what’s in your subconscious and I had read this post over at The Rabbit Haus before going to bed. I assume it is what dredged up the ex-husband dream? Reading this post made me happy to see that there are people out there who can walk away from a marriage with the best interest of their family and their partner at heart. That people can let go without a fight, and that loving someone doesn’t mean you must remain in a marriage that doesn’t fully satisfy your needs or the needs of your partner. That sometimes, people can look at the bigger picture and see beyond the immediate pain and discomfort.

It gives me confirmation that, although my ex-husband may never see it or understand it, I know that ending our marriage was the best thing – for both of us.

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