Hello, anybody there?

Is there a god? This is such a weighted question and the answer is very personal in nature. But it’s a question that I’ve asked myself repeatedly over the past 20 years of my life.

Before I go any further, I must point out that this post is not meant to offend anyone, nor am I looking to be converted or convinced – I’m merely venting my frustration and anxiety after a particularly trying and emotionally exhausting day.

I can’t compare another person’s trials to those of my own, nor do I claim that mine are anything more, or less ,than those of another. The problem is that, with my wavering (and now lack of) faith, when I find myself in an awkward “spiritual situation” for lack of better description, and times are emotionally tough and I feel alone, concerned or anxious, I feel the urge to ask for help or guidance. Sometimes it’s not all doom and gloom, sometimes it’s as simple as needing an answer to a serious/burning question. As a youngster, I would have directed my question/plea to God. But now, I stop short because I’m not currently of the opinion that there is in fact a god (Christian or otherwise). Today, I (again) felt the need for spiritual guidance. For a sign of support from someone or something beyond my mere existence – and I was (again) at a loss as to what to do or say.

This lack of spirituality is no fault of my parents. They raised me in a Christian home, sent me to Sunday School every Sunday and taught me the values and morals synonymous with a good Christian home. My opinions and thoughts on the subject were formed and are based entirely on my personal experiences and perceptions.

I don’t want to confuse spirituality with religion, as they are 2 separate areas in my opinion. Although they may overlap to some people. I believe in karma, I believe that one good turn deserves another and that 2 wrongs don’t make a right. But I can’t get myself to believe that a god would allow the hurt and ugly things that happen to good people, to carry on in the world to the extent that it does. Think about how many beautiful, good people you know that have been through a hell of some sort? And don’t get me started on how many children are hurt, or how many people die – for naught? I get that there are “bad people” who do bad things. But I can’t understand why people who are hurt/affected through no choice of their own, nor due to the actions of others (bad or otherwise), have to suffer?

I admire people who are steadfast in their faith, people who live their lives in accordance with it. I think it must be so reassuring to believe in a “higher power” to such a degree that you live your life, and measure it, by your belief. I’m not athiest, nor am I the Christian I used to be. I guess the best description for me at this moment in time is that I’m “agnostic“. All I can do at this point is try to live my life by the morals instilled in me by my parents and try to be the best person I can be. To live without my life or life choices affecting others in a negative way. By putting goodness out, I can only hope to get it in return.

What do you do when you’re in a bind? Does your faith sustain you, and if so, why?

Nicky

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