My ex-husband got married last week. This shouldn’t affect me at all, but I feel a bit weirded-out by the news.
Logically, I have absolutely no right to feel anything about his life or his choices. Ending our marriage was my decision after all. But I feel, I don’t know, strange about it?
I’ve examined my feelings over the past few days, digesting the information at my own pace. I can with absolute certainty and sincerity, without negative feelings like jealousy, FOMO, regret, etc. say that I am happy for him. To be honest, there is a huge part of me that is relieved. I am sincerely happy that he has found someone to share his life with, and I am so glad that he found the courage to take this step. I know our divorce was hard on him, it also left me with so much guilt and self-doubt. Knowing that he is ok and that, although our divorce hurt him, it didn’t damage him beyond all repair. It makes me feel less guilty. I know it sounds dramatic, but guilt amplifies feelings.
Putting aside my guilt and how happy I am for him, there is a part of me that looks at his wife with a slight emotional frown. By no means am I criticising his choice, I’m just puzzled by it (knowing the lady in question, albeit not well) and would never have guessed that they would one day be man and wife. But then, I also didn’t think that, at 35, I would be divorced and childless. Perhaps my feelings of puzzlement stem from the knowledge that I have, for all intents and purposes, been replaced.
In fact, it probably boils down to the (not so nice) realisation that I don’t think she is good enough for him. There is absolutely nothing wrong with her; she is no more battle scarred than the rest of us. (Read: Should I make an appointment with my shrink now or should I wait a few days?)
How absurd and arrogant we humans can be at the most unlikely of times!
I, myself, am still on the fence to some degree regards the institution of marriage. I keep going through phases where I think I’ll get married again. Then I go through phases where the mere thought of getting married is off-putting. I look at couples who have remained together (not necessarily married), who have stuck it out through thick and thin, and I admire them . Because, let’s be frank – any relationship is hard work.