I am tired of studying. To say I’m over it would be the understatement of the century. Before I crack on, let me just say that this post is a bit whinge-ey. Sorry. If you don’t feel like attending this pity party then move swiftly along and see you next time…
I stayed home on Friday night while KB went and had a night out on the town with friends without me. It sucked. And I was surprised by the resentment I had to push down when he came home. I was by no means angry that he went out, as we discussed it. In fact, I encouraged him to go without me because I planned on studying (I had an important assignment due soon) and his mere presence at home is a distraction. So when he arrived home all…erm… jovial I was irritated. Which is ridiculous and completely uncalled for.
I had to give myself a bit of a pep talk and remind myself that it’s not his fault that I am studying. It’s also not his fault that I encouraged him to go out and have a good time, which he did. Therefore, I have absolutely no reason to be pissy about it. Maybe I was just upset that he actually seemed to have a great time despite the fact that I wasn’t there?
It is so hard to keep your eye on the end goal when everyone’s lives around you keep going on regardless. Sure, there are the murmers of understanding and the knowing nods when I say I can’t do something because I have to study. But, damnit – it’s not easy to be the adult all the time.
I worked really hard this past weekend and still had to cancel plans left, right and centre. In addition to my non-existant Friday night out with friends, we also had free tickets to go and watch Arno Carstens at Vergenoegd on Sunday. And we had to cancel that, because my study load is just too much. Then I also made the decision to cancel plans with family on Monday night. Because studies.
I am pushing really hard to finish my degree this year and I feel a bit stretched, I am exhausted. And it’s only March. On the up side it’s (hopefully!) only another 9 months of this.
I feel a bit like a pushme-pullyu. Did you ever read Dr Dolittle? The pushme-pullyu was one of the animals in the book. It had 2 heads, one on either side of the same body. It used its one head for eating and the other for talking so he could talk and eat at the same time (sounds awesome!). Unfortunately, unlike the pushme-pullyu, I don’t have 2 heads, nor can I be in more than one place at any given time. I just have to try and stick to the goals I’ve set for the year. One of which is to stop feeling so pressurised to try and please everyone.
If you are studying part-time and holding down a full-time job, then give yourself a high five. And a very large glass of wine, because lordy – it ain’t easy.
Header image by Michal Jarmoluk.